it's been about 3 months since my last blog post, blost, whatever you wanna call it. i've been working, working, working on trying to get a cybersecurity certification these past few months. i kind of don't feel like i'm getting there. it's hard to believe that i'll ever get there, anyways.

i was watching YouTube a bit ago. i was going through my feed as i sometimes do every now and then. i typically look for video essays or cool things that people build and make, but i wasn't looking for that today. today, i wanted an escape of sorts. it makes me feel bad that i'm saying that, considering that [[LOCKED]], but today, i just felt tired.

it feels like everything is slowly crumbling away. it's hard to describe why as i'm writing this, but regulations, announcements, and constant moves against all that represents humanity by those who believe that they're upholding it are a few that i can think of at the moment.

but it's okay. i don't need anything else. i just need a job. i just need a career. i just need to make money.

i want to make something. a video, a blog post, a graphic or something that would look cool, something i can put out there, maybe. something that means something to me. but the worst part is that i can't think of anything to create. with the exception of the words that i'm typing, i can't think of anything to make.

but that's okay. i just need a career. i just need a way to make money. that's all that matters.

it's somewhat ironic; i went to YouTube today because i was considering watching someone play something like Persona 3 Reload. i wanted to watch someone actively go through an experience of working on something. i even considered getting Persona 5 Strikers to satiate that itch to pursue something that felt attainable and meaningful.

but that's okay. i just need to make money. that's all that matters, after all. it's not worth playing any games if i can't use it to make money, after all.

i feel like i've just been going going going going going these past few months. chasing the train towards someone else's dream while others are calling me, asking me to pursue theirs, too. their dreams of making lots of money, their dreams of making lots of money, their dreams of making

but it's okay. that's all that matters, after all. it's not worth pursing anything if i don't use it to make money.

i just have to play the game right.

but i want to make something. something real. something human. something meaningful. i miss the joy of playing Persona 5 Royal, how meaningful it felt to play the game and eventually finish it, even if i still haven't finished the final clip compilation for the game. i still have videos that i need to edit, but i can't find the time to just get around to it. it makes me feel even worse and it nags me because my friend paid me to work on it.

but none of that matters. it's okay. once i fail pass this exam, i'll be making lots of money! i'll be able to get a car! get a [house]! get [a wife]! [have a family]! [have a bunch of money! have a bunch of money! have a bunch of money of money of money of money of money of omoney omonfy eofmefyfefomosf sfaiom fom rejvdv!!!!!!!!]

...

do any of those things matter, though? do those things even exist? what's the point of any of those things when the infinite free will of corporations and governments and people can take it all away from you in an instant? what's even the point when they all feel so unattainable anyways? when they feel worse than an award-winning shounen romance manga? they can always fire you, right or wrongly, and the government can always decide not to do shit about it. laws don't make people do things; they only heavily en/discourage them to do so. it's all just a game at the end of the day. you can play all you want, but the minute the connection is lost, nothing you've done will matter. it's all inside a little box in your home or some remote location that will never be real.

the only thing that will remain is your character, the memories you've created, and the bonds built off of those memories.

that, i believe, is the only thing that's worth anything anymore.